2007 Vermilion April Fools
TRAVELING STUDENTS REGRET LUNCH DECISION
MANSFIELD, Ark. - Four journalism students returning to Lafayette from a convention in Fayetteville, Ark. regretted their decision to dine at a Sonic drive-in.
The students said they only faced the overwhelming greasiness of the cuisine because they were traveling through what they described as "hick country" and were afraid they wouldn't be able to find another restaurant for another several hours of driving.
Upon leaving the Sonic, the students found a Subway restaurant 30 seconds later.
"Well, everyone, just puke it up, and we can eat again," suggested Chad West, who ate a chili-cheese coney.
Reportedly, no one took him up on the suggestion.
PAPER PLACED UNDER DESK TO PREVENT WOBBLE
This week during a calculus class at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, a desk in the university's Maxim-Doucet Hall was hastily repaired by an inventive student by placing a folded-up piece of paper under the offending desk's leg. The desk was reportedly suffering from a slight wobbling affliction that had plagued the seat for several weeks, a mildly irritating quirk to occupants of its curvaceous, buttocks-comforting expanse.
"I was annoyed by the rocking when I shifted positions," said Jesse Landreaux, a mechanical engineering student at UL Lafayette, "so I took repairs into my own hands."
Using skills of logic and construction gleaned from his classes as a student of engineering, Landreaux said he noticed the rocking phenomenon, and began to survey his materials at hand. Deciding that a cylindrical object like a pen was impractical, it suddenly dawned on him to make a standard sheet of loose leaf paper much thicker through a series of vigorous folding actions.
"It's much easier to pay attention in class now," he said.
Ernest Aquayitz, Landreaux's adviser in the mechanical engineering department at UL Lafayette, said he was proud of his student's accomplishment and critical thinking skills.
"That right there is resume material," he said, grinning widely.
"It's not unusual to see unusual feats of invention in the face of slight irritation," said Susan Q. Crosby, Ph.D., a behavioural scientist at the University of Toronto who specializes in sudden bursts of brain activity in college students. "It's not entirely unsurprising that a student was able to solve such a dilemma instead of paying attention in math class."
Antoine Lacrimose, the UL Lafayette physical plant's specialist dealing with student seating repairs, said a permanent mend for the desk may be in the works.
"We've written out a grant for the monetary resources, and are currently working on correspondence and approval with President Authement, the Board of Regents, the College of Mathematics, and the International Board of Standards for Collegiate Posterior Accommodations," he said. "Hopefully a more permanent fix can be implemented by the end of the fiscal year."
DROOL SPOT WIPED FROM DESK
A University of Louisiana at Lafayette student, who has requested to remain anonymous, reportedly wiped a voluminous drool spot from the northwest region of his desk in room 527 of Griffin Hall.
The student said he fell asleep during a particularly boring history lecture following a large lunch at local eatery/copy shop Campus Copies.
"I just couldn't keep my eyes open," said the deep-voiced student, sitting with a dark shadow draped over her head and shoulders during the anonymous interview. "The next thing I knew, there was a puddle of my own saliva working its way down toward my note
"I saw the spot," said Mary-Meredith Davies, a history major present in the classroom. "It was really big and gross, and also the spit was thick and mucus-like."
"It's not unusual for students to fall asleep during my lectures," said Chet Rzadkiewicz, Ph.D., a history professor at UL Lafayette. "What was unusual was the size of the drool puddle. I was astonished at its elephantine size."
"The size reported is quite interesting," said Phyllis Albert, a biology professor specializing in sleep habits. "Generally, one would only see that amount of salival discharge in a comfortable, deep sleep."
Albert hypothesized that the student must have been dreaming about something really appealing to produce the spot.
AUTHEMENT HYPOTHESIZED TO BE CYBORG CONSTRUCT
Top University of Louisiana at Lafayette administration officials, speaking on the condition of pseudonym usage, have relayed their suspicions that University President Ray P. Authement is actually some sort of advanced cyborg construct.
"I've seen him occasionally have very jerky movements near the end of a workday," said one official.
"I once saw him down an entire package of double-A batteries while sitting in traffic," said a second official.
An anonymous maintenance official said he had a standing monthly appointment to deliver three gallons of oil and a dozen car batteries to the basement of the President's mansion.
The maintenance official said that each month, the basement is empty, and he has never been given a reason for their delivery.
Authement and his wife drive two cars which do not utilize the same kind of battery delivered to the basement.
SGA PRESIDENT SURVIVES NINJA ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT
Student Government Association President Claire Pettit has reportedly fended off a ninja assassination attempt thanks to two dudes she characterized as "bad."
Pettit said she was walking from SGA offices in Coronna Hall to her vehicle at the Student Union when a cadre of ninjas, reportedly clad in black and wielding katanas, appeared in front of Pettit.
They walked up to her, she said, and demanded she come with them.
"I was so afraid," she said. "I tried to run away, and they pinned me to the ground and began to tie up my hands with rope."
According to Pettit, at this point, two men in what she described as matching red and blue "wife beaters" appeared and began to engage the ninjas in fist-fights.
Pettit said the men bested the ninjas easily, despite their lack of weapons or armor.
The University Police Department said it has no information on where the ninjas came from, or what they might have wanted with Pettit.
Halloween 2006 humor article
Ah, Halloween. For college students, Halloween can mean many things. For some it is an excuse to dress like a complete moron. For others, it is an excuse to dress like a, to put it nicely, woman of questionable morals. For others still, it is a chance to score cheap one-pound bags of fun-size candy bars. For the subjects of ridiculous urban legends, it is a chance to disguise human feces as the aforementioned candy bars and place razor blades in caramel apples. For movie studio executives, it’s a chance to release innumerable formulaic horror movies. For pediatric dentists, it is the precursor to remodeling or buying a new yacht.
We here at The Vermilion hope to offer you some pearls of wisdom no matter what age you might be or position you might be in on the Pagan-tastic holiday of All Hallows’ Eve.
Tips for Children
Halloween will be the one-night stand that precedes an afternoon of grotesque dental work. (And, if you choose to not take care of those cavities, prepare to experience childbirth-like levels of pain.) In order to get the most out of it, you’ll need a pillowcase. Those plastic jack-o-lanterns with the flimsy handle? Insufficient for handling the volumes of candy you need to be aiming to acquire. They also will break at the point where you will be furthest away from your house. Ideally, use an old pillowcase. Large grocery bags will do in a pinch. The best commercially acquired container is a fancy bag from a department store or specialty shop. Additionally, one must weed out crappy candy like circus peanuts and stale popcorn balls mid-route. Make liberal use of nearby trashcans.
We’re getting a little ahead of ourselves, kids. Let’s talk about costumes. If you are a toddler: seriously, the pumpkin is passé. Every kid in the history of the world has been a pumpkin for Halloween. Half of us even had a little sprout for a hat. It’s ridiculously cliché. If you’re older, be sure to get a costume that is not reminiscent of a garbage bag vaguely printed to resemble a super hero or cartoon character. Don’t forget the mask with eyeholes so small you can’t really see oncoming traffic.
Bullet Point Tips for Teenagers
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Do us all a favor and smash those mailboxes with your forehead.
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Dressing like you normally do and saying you’re a “15 year old boy/girl” is not and never will be remotely clever or funny.
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You are an unfunny blight on society if you egg or toilet paper random houses. Vandalizing your friend’s crappy car is encouraged, however.
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Trick or treating stops when you get in high school. No, really.
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Good luck renting all the “Friday the 13th” or “Halloween” movies from the video store before some Ain’t-It-Cool-News-reading dork with too much free time on his hands.
Tips for College Students
For many college students, Halloween is a chance to dress in a manner that might be called “promiscuous.” This phenomenon is not restricted to women; indeed, many men think it would be funny to dress up as, say, a Hooters waitress, or to simply wear a skimpy negligee. A note to you men: Everyone knows that you’re using Halloween as an excuse to exhibit your secret kinky cross-dressing fantasies to the world.
Unfortunately, Halloween usually falls on a weeknight, severely limiting the evening’s potential for satanic debauchery. If you’re worried about coming to class or work with a hangover, don’t worry: Everyone else has one, too.
It shouldn’t need saying, but I’ll say it anyway: Don’t even think about going trick or treating.
Tips for Adults
Do not give out any of the following:
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Toothbrushes and toothpaste. Do you really think any significant number of children don’t already have these things?
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Circus peanuts. They are easily the worst excuse for candy to ever grace a plastic pumpkin, assuming they even make it in there and don’t end up all over your lawn.
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Celery or carrots or another vegetable. You are up against candy here. Tons and tons of candy. No child will ever choose to eat a piece of celery over a Snickers bar, no matter how much peanut butter and raisins you put on there.
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Halls cough drops. Seriously, what were you thinking, dude down the street?
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Homemade goods. Parents will throw them out because of sensationalist news stories about razor blades and laxatives hidden in Halloween baked goods.
Note: This article was intended to be satirical. Do not take it seriously.
Sidewalk stalking: A guide to campus etiquette, part one
We here at the Vermilion, being the classy, cultured type, have noticed a startling number of similarly classy individuals who inhabit the campus of the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Want to be cool like us? Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be well on your way to a more sophisticated existence.
In college, one generally must walk to get to class. This requires using a sidewalk. Unlike other paths of transport, sidewalks have no clear rules on the specifics of their usage. Feel free to walk on either side of them, and at any speed.
Unfortunately, the inadequately sized sidewalks on our fair campus generally have other students walking on them, and they may get in your way! If you need to get around them, walk at an uncomfortably close distance behind them, and wait for them to move. After they do, feel free to brush against them in a gesture of thanks. The great thing about college is that, due to the university’s grand size, you will never, ever see the person again.
Regarding roads, cars are nothing to even consider when plotting the trajectory of your traipsing. Walk anywhere; it’s not like they’re going to hit you. After all, being a pedestrian, you do have the right-of-way. Crosswalks are a mere inconvenience in the way of getting back to your dormitory 15 seconds faster.
If you’re walking with your friends, feel free to encompass the entirety of the sidewalk. Sensing the camaraderie between you, others will happily walk around in the grass or mud.
If you enjoy the fineries of nicotine, you are among friends. Feel free to blow your smoke and ashes in the direction of anyone, to show off your cigarette’s carefully selected flavor and aroma.
Like everywhere else, it rains at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. You may choose to carry an umbrella. Feel free to shake off your umbrella hastily on your way in, getting water all over the floor.
If you live off campus, you may have to wait in line at the Rex Street bus stop. That section of the sidewalk is entirely for people waiting for the bus. Feel free to lounge around in semicircles with your companions, taking full advantage of the concrete expanse set aside for you in front of the Conference Center while you speak of how many fine canned brews you consumed in your leisure activities the night before. Once you get on the bus, feel free to take an entire seat; the people standing in the aisles will understand that since you were there first, you get the luxury of seating.
Once you do arrive in class, it’s time for you to begin your education. If you bring a laptop to take notes in class, feel free to play “World of Warcraft” in the front row of a darkened classroom while you take notes; it will distract no one.
You might also discuss the finer points of the professor’s lecture with a friend. Don’t worry, your colleagues can easily hear the professor despite his or her shy nature and lack of a functioning microphone.
If you have been blessed with a child at a young age, feel free to bring him or her to class with you. Your classmates will be delighted to see the spawn of your loins, and will certainly not be bothered with your progeny’s boisterous chattering about the topic at hand, or perhaps about his longing for some Go-Gurt.
Many young collegiate scholars in this day and age carry cellular telephones. Feel free to leave your device active in class; everyone in your freshman-level English class will appreciate the poetry of “Hollaback Girl” bursting from the speaker of your pink RAZR. If you must place the phone on vibrate, place it on a wooden surface so you can tell when someone is calling.
Your studies may bring you to the library. Like in class, feel free to speak animatedly into your phone or to your friend. After all, people only come to the library to make copies and print things. If you must get a book out, keep it as long as you like. No one will need it, certainly not a person in your class who might need a book on the same subject.