TRAVELING STUDENTS REGRET LUNCH DECISION

MANSFIELD, Ark. – Four journalism students returning to Lafayette from a convention in Fayetteville, Ark. regretted their decision to dine at a Sonic drive-in.

The students said they only faced the overwhelming greasiness of the cuisine because they were traveling through what they described as “hick country” and were afraid they wouldn’t be able to find another restaurant for another several hours of driving.

Upon leaving the Sonic, the students found a Subway restaurant 30 seconds later.

“Well, everyone, just puke it up, and we can eat again,” suggested Chad West, who ate a chili-cheese coney.

Reportedly, no one took him up on the suggestion.

PAPER PLACED UNDER DESK TO PREVENT WOBBLE

This week during a calculus class at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, a desk in the university’s Maxim-Doucet Hall was hastily repaired by an inventive student by placing a folded-up piece of paper under the offending desk’s leg. The desk was reportedly suffering from a slight wobbling affliction that had plagued the seat for several weeks, a mildly irritating quirk to occupants of its curvaceous, buttocks-comforting expanse.

“I was annoyed by the rocking when I shifted positions,” said Jesse Landreaux, a mechanical engineering student at UL Lafayette, “so I took repairs into my own hands.”

Using skills of logic and construction gleaned from his classes as a student of engineering, Landreaux said he noticed the rocking phenomenon, and began to survey his materials at hand. Deciding that a cylindrical object like a pen was impractical, it suddenly dawned on him to make a standard sheet of loose leaf paper much thicker through a series of vigorous folding actions.

“It’s much easier to pay attention in class now,” he said.

Ernest Aquayitz, Landreaux’s adviser in the mechanical engineering department at UL Lafayette, said he was proud of his student’s accomplishment and critical thinking skills.

“That right there is resume material,” he said, grinning widely.

“It’s not unusual to see unusual feats of invention in the face of slight irritation,” said Susan Q. Crosby, Ph.D., a behavioural scientist at the University of Toronto who specializes in sudden bursts of brain activity in college students. “It’s not entirely unsurprising that a student was able to solve such a dilemma instead of paying attention in math class.”

Antoine Lacrimose, the UL Lafayette physical plant’s specialist dealing with student seating repairs, said a permanent mend for the desk may be in the works.

“We’ve written out a grant for the monetary resources, and are currently working on correspondence and approval with President Authement, the Board of Regents, the College of Mathematics, and the International Board of Standards for Collegiate Posterior Accommodations,” he said. “Hopefully a more permanent fix can be implemented by the end of the fiscal year.”

DROOL SPOT WIPED FROM DESK

A University of Louisiana at Lafayette student, who has requested to remain anonymous, reportedly wiped a voluminous drool spot from the northwest region of his desk in room 527 of Griffin Hall.

The student said he fell asleep during a particularly boring history lecture following a large lunch at local eatery/copy shop Campus Copies.

“I just couldn’t keep my eyes open,” said the deep-voiced student, sitting with a dark shadow draped over her head and shoulders during the anonymous interview. “The next thing I knew, there was a puddle of my own saliva working its way down toward my note

“I saw the spot,” said Mary-Meredith Davies, a history major present in the classroom. “It was really big and gross, and also the spit was thick and mucus-like.”

“It’s not unusual for students to fall asleep during my lectures,” said Chet Rzadkiewicz, Ph.D., a history professor at UL Lafayette. “What was unusual was the size of the drool puddle. I was astonished at its elephantine size.”

“The size reported is quite interesting,” said Phyllis Albert, a biology professor specializing in sleep habits. “Generally, one would only see that amount of salival discharge in a comfortable, deep sleep.”

Albert hypothesized that the student must have been dreaming about something really appealing to produce the spot.

AUTHEMENT HYPOTHESIZED TO BE CYBORG CONSTRUCT

Top University of Louisiana at Lafayette administration officials, speaking on the condition of pseudonym usage, have relayed their suspicions that University President Ray P. Authement is actually some sort of advanced cyborg construct.

“I’ve seen him occasionally have very jerky movements near the end of a workday,” said one official.

“I once saw him down an entire package of double-A batteries while sitting in traffic,” said a second official.

An anonymous maintenance official said he had a standing monthly appointment to deliver three gallons of oil and a dozen car batteries to the basement of the President’s mansion.

The maintenance official said that each month, the basement is empty, and he has never been given a reason for their delivery.

Authement and his wife drive two cars which do not utilize the same kind of battery delivered to the basement.

SGA PRESIDENT SURVIVES NINJA ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT

Student Government Association President Claire Pettit has reportedly fended off a ninja assassination attempt thanks to two dudes she characterized as “bad.”

Pettit said she was walking from SGA offices in Coronna Hall to her vehicle at the Student Union when a cadre of ninjas, reportedly clad in black and wielding katanas, appeared in front of Pettit.

They walked up to her, she said, and demanded she come with them.

“I was so afraid,” she said. “I tried to run away, and they pinned me to the ground and began to tie up my hands with rope.”

According to Pettit, at this point, two men in what she described as matching red and blue “wife beaters” appeared and began to engage the ninjas in fist-fights.

Pettit said the men bested the ninjas easily, despite their lack of weapons or armor.

The University Police Department said it has no information on where the ninjas came from, or what they might have wanted with Pettit.