More and more college students, as well as people in general, are getting news from comedy programs such as Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report.”

According to figures in 2005, “The Daily Show” garners about 1.4 million viewers nightly. Neilsen ratings put the show’s median viewer age at 35, much younger than traditional nightly news broadcasts.

“There have been a couple academic studies recently of those shows, where researchers study the actual news content in those shows compared to the broadcast news media,” said Rick Swanson, Ph.D., a political science professor at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. “They discovered there was just as much actual news content – news information – given by “The Colbert Report” and “The Daily Show” as there are in the actual news media broadcasts. And so, believe it or not, students are learning just as much about the news as they would be if they were watching a mainstream news outlet.”

The study, completed this year by Julia Fox, a telecommunications professor at Indiana University, showed that “The Daily Show” had about as much hard information during the 2004 presidential campaign as the average nightly news broadcast.

“It is clearly a humor show, first and foremost,” Fox said about “The Daily Show.” “But there is some substance on there, and in some cases, like John Edwards announcing his candidacy, the news is made on the show.

“In an absolute sense, we should probably be concerned about both of those sources, because neither one is particularly substantive,” Fox continued. “It’s a bottom-line industry and ratings-driven. We live in an ‘infotainment’ society, and there certainly are a number of other sources available.”

“Personally, I think that the shows actually do a service,” said Swanson. “A lot of people have attacked or criticized the shows for bringing cynicism to public discourse, but I don’t think that there’s any more cynicism they could have than the bitter partisan fights we have had in recent years. What these shows do, I think, is correctly point out the absurdity in a lot of the claims of both those on the left and the right, and I watch the shows, and you often see that they do ridicule people on the extreme left and the extreme right, in general. What these shows point out is the hypocrisies and the absurdities of the arguments on both the far left and the far right, and I think that’s healthy. Free speech is always healthy, to expose these ideas for what they are.”

“[College students getting their news from “The Daily Show”] doesn’t really worry me,” said Pearson Cross, Ph.D., a political science professor at UL Lafayette. “Frankly, at this point, what you worry more about with getting news in terms of college students is that they don’t get any news, or they’re completely uninvolved. Obviously, Stewart’s show and Colbert are entertainment shows, but if it’s entertainment that gets people interested in what’s going on in the world, then I have no problem with that at all, and frankly, a lot of our news is pretty funny.”

Some college students do rely on the satirical programs as their main source of news.

“It’s really “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” that I get my daily update on what’s happening,” said Joshua Daigle, a history major at UL Lafayette who said he had political aspirations. “I try my best to read print, but the thing is–about the Daily Show and the Colbert Report–is that they mostly present facts and they make fun of the facts.”

Daigle said he felt that the shows could be more truthful, because they didn’t have any credibility to lose by being accused of biased.

“For instance,” said Daigle, “when Dick Cheney said there was a link between 9/11 and Iraq, that there was evidence to show that Iraqi agents and Al-Qaida agents had met, and then a few months later, never said that? ‘The Daily Show’ was the only one who could show that, and say they were false. Other news organizations can’t really do that, because they’d be called biased and lose credibility, but ‘The Daily Show’ has its own untouchable credibility. They don’t have anything to lose, so they can report the truth.”

“People are getting their news wherever they can, and it is high time that the professional world and the academics respect that fact, and tailor their teaching and their media to suit,” said William Davie, Ph.D., a broadcasting professor at UL Lafayette. “We come from a sacred temple–in our minds–that suggests the traditional journalist shall never dabble in opinion, bias or even humor without violating his sacred vow to the calling. Nonsense.”

Davie said he felt that “people want to feel good when they read the news. We have forgotten that. We have decided since the news is bad, we want you to feel bad. That is stupid. We have to treat the news more creatively. What does Jon Stewart do? He makes people laugh. He pokes fun at newsmakers. So he is not a traditional journalist. Rumsfeld calls him an opiner. I call him a metajournalist.”

A metajournalist, according to Davie, is “someone who takes the work of traditional journalists and profits from it mightily by either using it for humor, or as Rush Limbaugh does, using it for opining, for commentary. The public likes it. The public is not that offended because its intentionality is clearer.”

Davie also said he felt the traditional journalists have to learn to accept the new “metajournalists,” because it is important that the same accountability for facts apply to both. He said one thing he was worried about was the trivialization of the traditional journalist on opinion programs, because the programs get their material from traditional sources while sometimes mocking the same sources. Davie also said he felt the shows were beneficial in their criticism of mainstream media outlets.

“I just can’t imagine anyone being interested in ‘The Daily Show’ if they weren’t interested in traditional journalism as well,” he said.

Ah, Halloween. For college students, Halloween can mean many things. For some it is an excuse to dress like a complete moron. For others, it is an excuse to dress like a, to put it nicely, woman of questionable morals. For others still, it is a chance to score cheap one-pound bags of fun-size candy bars. For the subjects of ridiculous urban legends, it is a chance to disguise human feces as the aforementioned candy bars and place razor blades in caramel apples. For movie studio executives, it’s a chance to release innumerable formulaic horror movies. For pediatric dentists, it is the precursor to remodeling or buying a new yacht.

We here at The Vermilion hope to offer you some pearls of wisdom no matter what age you might be or position you might be in on the Pagan-tastic holiday of All Hallows’ Eve.

Tips for Children

Halloween will be the one-night stand that precedes an afternoon of grotesque dental work. (And, if you choose to not take care of those cavities, prepare to experience childbirth-like levels of pain.) In order to get the most out of it, you’ll need a pillowcase. Those plastic jack-o-lanterns with the flimsy handle? Insufficient for handling the volumes of candy you need to be aiming to acquire. They also will break at the point where you will be furthest away from your house. Ideally, use an old pillowcase. Large grocery bags will do in a pinch. The best commercially acquired container is a fancy bag from a department store or specialty shop. Additionally, one must weed out crappy candy like circus peanuts and stale popcorn balls mid-route. Make liberal use of nearby trashcans.

We’re getting a little ahead of ourselves, kids. Let’s talk about costumes. If you are a toddler: seriously, the pumpkin is passé. Every kid in the history of the world has been a pumpkin for Halloween. Half of us even had a little sprout for a hat. It’s ridiculously cliché. If you’re older, be sure to get a costume that is not reminiscent of a garbage bag vaguely printed to resemble a super hero or cartoon character. Don’t forget the mask with eyeholes so small you can’t really see oncoming traffic.

Bullet Point Tips for Teenagers

• Do us all a favor and smash those mailboxes with your forehead.

• Dressing like you normally do and saying you’re a “15 year old boy/girl” is not and never will be remotely clever or funny.

• You are an unfunny blight on society if you egg or toilet paper random houses. Vandalizing your friend’s crappy car is encouraged, however.

• Trick or treating stops when you get in high school. No, really.

• Good luck renting all the “Friday the 13th” or “Halloween” movies from the video store before some Ain’t-It-Cool-News-reading dork with too much free time on his hands.

Tips for College Students

For many college students, Halloween is a chance to dress in a manner that might be called “promiscuous.” This phenomenon is not restricted to women; indeed, many men think it would be funny to dress up as, say, a Hooters waitress, or to simply wear a skimpy negligee. A note to you men: Everyone knows that you’re using Halloween as an excuse to exhibit your secret kinky cross-dressing fantasies to the world.

Unfortunately, Halloween usually falls on a weeknight, severely limiting the evening’s potential for satanic debauchery. If you’re worried about coming to class or work with a hangover, don’t worry: Everyone else has one, too.

It shouldn’t need saying, but I’ll say it anyway: Don’t even think about going trick or treating.

Tips for Adults

Do not give out any of the following:

• Toothbrushes and toothpaste. Do you really think any significant number of children don’t already have these things?

• Circus peanuts. They are easily the worst excuse for candy to ever grace a plastic pumpkin, assuming they even make it in there and don’t end up all over your lawn.

• Celery or carrots or another vegetable. You are up against candy here. Tons and tons of candy. No child will ever choose to eat a piece of celery over a Snickers bar, no matter how much peanut butter and raisins you put on there.

• Halls cough drops. Seriously, what were you thinking, dude down the street?

• Homemade goods. Parents will throw them out because of sensationalist news stories about razor blades and laxatives hidden in Halloween baked goods.

Note: This article was intended to be satirical. Do not take it seriously.

We here at the Vermilion, being the classy, cultured type, have noticed a startling number of similarly classy individuals who inhabit the campus of the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Want to be cool like us? Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be well on your way to a more sophisticated existence.

In college, one generally must walk to get to class. This requires using a sidewalk. Unlike other paths of transport, sidewalks have no clear rules on the specifics of their usage. Feel free to walk on either side of them, and at any speed.

Unfortunately, the inadequately sized sidewalks on our fair campus generally have other students walking on them, and they may get in your way! If you need to get around them, walk at an uncomfortably close distance behind them, and wait for them to move. After they do, feel free to brush against them in a gesture of thanks. The great thing about college is that, due to the university’s grand size, you will never, ever see the person again.

Regarding roads, cars are nothing to even consider when plotting the trajectory of your traipsing. Walk anywhere; it’s not like they’re going to hit you. After all, being a pedestrian, you do have the right-of-way. Crosswalks are a mere inconvenience in the way of getting back to your dormitory 15 seconds faster.

If you’re walking with your friends, feel free to encompass the entirety of the sidewalk. Sensing the camaraderie between you, others will happily walk around in the grass or mud.

If you enjoy the fineries of nicotine, you are among friends. Feel free to blow your smoke and ashes in the direction of anyone, to show off your cigarette’s carefully selected flavor and aroma.

Like everywhere else, it rains at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. You may choose to carry an umbrella. Feel free to shake off your umbrella hastily on your way in, getting water all over the floor.

If you live off campus, you may have to wait in line at the Rex Street bus stop. That section of the sidewalk is entirely for people waiting for the bus. Feel free to lounge around in semicircles with your companions, taking full advantage of the concrete expanse set aside for you in front of the Conference Center while you speak of how many fine canned brews you consumed in your leisure activities the night before. Once you get on the bus, feel free to take an entire seat; the people standing in the aisles will understand that since you were there first, you get the luxury of seating.

Once you do arrive in class, it’s time for you to begin your education. If you bring a laptop to take notes in class, feel free to play “World of Warcraft” in the front row of a darkened classroom while you take notes; it will distract no one.

You might also discuss the finer points of the professor’s lecture with a friend. Don’t worry, your colleagues can easily hear the professor despite his or her shy nature and lack of a functioning microphone.

If you have been blessed with a child at a young age, feel free to bring him or her to class with you. Your classmates will be delighted to see the spawn of your loins, and will certainly not be bothered with your progeny’s boisterous chattering about the topic at hand, or perhaps about his longing for some Go-Gurt.

Many young collegiate scholars in this day and age carry cellular telephones. Feel free to leave your device active in class; everyone in your freshman-level English class will appreciate the poetry of “Hollaback Girl” bursting from the speaker of your pink RAZR. If you must place the phone on vibrate, place it on a wooden surface so you can tell when someone is calling.

Your studies may bring you to the library. Like in class, feel free to speak animatedly into your phone or to your friend. After all, people only come to the library to make copies and print things. If you must get a book out, keep it as long as you like. No one will need it, certainly not a person in your class who might need a book on the same subject.