Ah, Halloween. For college students, Halloween can mean many things. For some it is an excuse to dress like a complete moron. For others, it is an excuse to dress like a, to put it nicely, woman of questionable morals. For others still, it is a chance to score cheap one-pound bags of fun-size candy bars. For the subjects of ridiculous urban legends, it is a chance to disguise human feces as the aforementioned candy bars and place razor blades in caramel apples. For movie studio executives, it’s a chance to release innumerable formulaic horror movies. For pediatric dentists, it is the precursor to remodeling or buying a new yacht.

We here at The Vermilion hope to offer you some pearls of wisdom no matter what age you might be or position you might be in on the Pagan-tastic holiday of All Hallows’ Eve.

Tips for Children

Halloween will be the one-night stand that precedes an afternoon of grotesque dental work. (And, if you choose to not take care of those cavities, prepare to experience childbirth-like levels of pain.) In order to get the most out of it, you’ll need a pillowcase. Those plastic jack-o-lanterns with the flimsy handle? Insufficient for handling the volumes of candy you need to be aiming to acquire. They also will break at the point where you will be furthest away from your house. Ideally, use an old pillowcase. Large grocery bags will do in a pinch. The best commercially acquired container is a fancy bag from a department store or specialty shop. Additionally, one must weed out crappy candy like circus peanuts and stale popcorn balls mid-route. Make liberal use of nearby trashcans.

We’re getting a little ahead of ourselves, kids. Let’s talk about costumes. If you are a toddler: seriously, the pumpkin is passé. Every kid in the history of the world has been a pumpkin for Halloween. Half of us even had a little sprout for a hat. It’s ridiculously cliché. If you’re older, be sure to get a costume that is not reminiscent of a garbage bag vaguely printed to resemble a super hero or cartoon character. Don’t forget the mask with eyeholes so small you can’t really see oncoming traffic.

Bullet Point Tips for Teenagers

• Do us all a favor and smash those mailboxes with your forehead.

• Dressing like you normally do and saying you’re a “15 year old boy/girl” is not and never will be remotely clever or funny.

• You are an unfunny blight on society if you egg or toilet paper random houses. Vandalizing your friend’s crappy car is encouraged, however.

• Trick or treating stops when you get in high school. No, really.

• Good luck renting all the “Friday the 13th” or “Halloween” movies from the video store before some Ain’t-It-Cool-News-reading dork with too much free time on his hands.

Tips for College Students

For many college students, Halloween is a chance to dress in a manner that might be called “promiscuous.” This phenomenon is not restricted to women; indeed, many men think it would be funny to dress up as, say, a Hooters waitress, or to simply wear a skimpy negligee. A note to you men: Everyone knows that you’re using Halloween as an excuse to exhibit your secret kinky cross-dressing fantasies to the world.

Unfortunately, Halloween usually falls on a weeknight, severely limiting the evening’s potential for satanic debauchery. If you’re worried about coming to class or work with a hangover, don’t worry: Everyone else has one, too.

It shouldn’t need saying, but I’ll say it anyway: Don’t even think about going trick or treating.

Tips for Adults

Do not give out any of the following:

• Toothbrushes and toothpaste. Do you really think any significant number of children don’t already have these things?

• Circus peanuts. They are easily the worst excuse for candy to ever grace a plastic pumpkin, assuming they even make it in there and don’t end up all over your lawn.

• Celery or carrots or another vegetable. You are up against candy here. Tons and tons of candy. No child will ever choose to eat a piece of celery over a Snickers bar, no matter how much peanut butter and raisins you put on there.

• Halls cough drops. Seriously, what were you thinking, dude down the street?

• Homemade goods. Parents will throw them out because of sensationalist news stories about razor blades and laxatives hidden in Halloween baked goods.

Note: This article was intended to be satirical. Do not take it seriously.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 23rd, 2006 at 8:54 am and is filed under humor, vermilion.