We here at the Vermilion, being the classy, cultured type, have noticed a startling number of similarly classy individuals who inhabit the campus of the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. Want to be cool like us? Follow these simple rules, and you’ll be well on your way to a more sophisticated existence.

In college, one generally must walk to get to class. This requires using a sidewalk. Unlike other paths of transport, sidewalks have no clear rules on the specifics of their usage. Feel free to walk on either side of them, and at any speed.

Unfortunately, the inadequately sized sidewalks on our fair campus generally have other students walking on them, and they may get in your way! If you need to get around them, walk at an uncomfortably close distance behind them, and wait for them to move. After they do, feel free to brush against them in a gesture of thanks. The great thing about college is that, due to the university’s grand size, you will never, ever see the person again.

Regarding roads, cars are nothing to even consider when plotting the trajectory of your traipsing. Walk anywhere; it’s not like they’re going to hit you. After all, being a pedestrian, you do have the right-of-way. Crosswalks are a mere inconvenience in the way of getting back to your dormitory 15 seconds faster.

If you’re walking with your friends, feel free to encompass the entirety of the sidewalk. Sensing the camaraderie between you, others will happily walk around in the grass or mud.

If you enjoy the fineries of nicotine, you are among friends. Feel free to blow your smoke and ashes in the direction of anyone, to show off your cigarette’s carefully selected flavor and aroma.

Like everywhere else, it rains at the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. You may choose to carry an umbrella. Feel free to shake off your umbrella hastily on your way in, getting water all over the floor.

If you live off campus, you may have to wait in line at the Rex Street bus stop. That section of the sidewalk is entirely for people waiting for the bus. Feel free to lounge around in semicircles with your companions, taking full advantage of the concrete expanse set aside for you in front of the Conference Center while you speak of how many fine canned brews you consumed in your leisure activities the night before. Once you get on the bus, feel free to take an entire seat; the people standing in the aisles will understand that since you were there first, you get the luxury of seating.

Once you do arrive in class, it’s time for you to begin your education. If you bring a laptop to take notes in class, feel free to play “World of Warcraft” in the front row of a darkened classroom while you take notes; it will distract no one.

You might also discuss the finer points of the professor’s lecture with a friend. Don’t worry, your colleagues can easily hear the professor despite his or her shy nature and lack of a functioning microphone.

If you have been blessed with a child at a young age, feel free to bring him or her to class with you. Your classmates will be delighted to see the spawn of your loins, and will certainly not be bothered with your progeny’s boisterous chattering about the topic at hand, or perhaps about his longing for some Go-Gurt.

Many young collegiate scholars in this day and age carry cellular telephones. Feel free to leave your device active in class; everyone in your freshman-level English class will appreciate the poetry of “Hollaback Girl” bursting from the speaker of your pink RAZR. If you must place the phone on vibrate, place it on a wooden surface so you can tell when someone is calling.

Your studies may bring you to the library. Like in class, feel free to speak animatedly into your phone or to your friend. After all, people only come to the library to make copies and print things. If you must get a book out, keep it as long as you like. No one will need it, certainly not a person in your class who might need a book on the same subject.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 20th, 2006 at 12:29 pm and is filed under humor, vermilion.